I once let thoughts overwhelm me. Thousands of them at the same time. Moving at a ridiculous speed. I couldn’t keep up! I was out of control, as if I were going crazy. There was extreme tension, chaos in my mind. I was chasing experiences. Turning my wishes into real adventures and emotional dramas.
I used to listen to my problems as if they were radio stations broadcasting at the same frequency. One of them would become louder and cover the others for a while. I used to get angry with every problem that came up and struggle to solve it. Until the volume of another problem was turned up. So, I was fighting all the time. I was often defeated. I also won many times. I did and learned a lot.
I was chasing experiences.
I once saw life, myself, others, like an endless labyrinth. And I got lost. Whatever I turned my mind to, I’d arrive at a dead end. Or I’d be circling around and return to the same point over and over again. Something was missing. I was stuck. I had to do something else.
I once started to set goals, made to-do lists and faithfully followed my reasonable decisions. I started to control everything I could. I became productive. Compromises and extroversion. I lived in the world. I was accepted into it. I accepted it. I put my life in order. But not myself.
I once discovered that logic had overshadowed my deepest longings. It had a strange system: it over-analyzed some of my desires until they seemed totally unworthy, ridiculous. It hid others in cobwebbed chests, pretending that they did not even exist. But my longings rebelled. They demanded my attention. To come out into the light and breathe again. They had to wait…
Then it was calm. Cut off from reality, I wandered in the dark, complex alleys of my mind. Like in an electronic game, I explored the space, solved archetypal riddles and searched for valuable objects and clues for my next mission. For a new destination…
Then my mother died and I sank into depression.
And then I discovered Yoga.
To be continued